I Need to Become a Stronger Swimmer




Walking, step by step, thought by thought, song after song, plugged in and solo, rediscovering the streets that are lined with memories and moments; a city that was once my home, however this time Barcelona seemed less comfortable to me. My visit to Catalonia and Barcelona on the days leading up to Christmas was my fighting chance at improving my Christmas spirit. It was great to see old friends that still live there, stay in a flash hotel for the night, and then spend time with Chus, Xevi and Laura who I feel are like family to me, but I find this time of year extremely mentally testing. Like a lot of people, I definitely suffer from SAD; Seasonal Affective Disorder. Bring back Spring and Summer! This is a very hard part of living in Britain.






A lot has changed over the past year and a half, but as I come to terms with that, I start to realise that's okay. I'm okay because I can admit that for now visiting and spending a lot of time in Barcelona alone is not something I feel strong enough to do, however Barcelona is always going to be a magical place to me and one day I will be able to go back, walk those same streets and smile, without any bad feelings. I'm not one for reflecting back on a year or setting new year resolutions, but something that springs to mind when I think of 2017 is, emotional. Dopamine, Serotonin and Norepinephrine have both struggled to find place within my brain, as well as overloaded it. 

This writing has been long overdue. I've been unable to finish a piece of writing for over a year, and even though the tone of it may not be hugely positive or happy, it is raw, real and portrays a lot of how I've been feeling. So for me, this is something I needed to do. I'm not sure who will read it, who will understand it or what people may think, but honestly none of that really matters to me because even just getting these words 'down on paper', as they say, is enough to find clarity.

If I found moving to Barcelona difficult, then moving back from Barcelona deemed an even tougher experience. My time in Barcelona is a time of my life I will never forget, and with that came a lot of learning, not only learning another language and culture but soul searching and discovering more about myself as a person. I learnt good and bad things, I battled with anxiety and confidence, which sometimes casts a bit of a shadow on some of my time there, but I try not to let it taint the amazing experience I had.

Moving back from Barcelona in July 2016 brought the unknown of a career path, and the crumble of a once pretty stable relationship. It's funny how at once you can feel so sure of everything, and that suddenly that security and safety can dissolve around you as your life takes a new direction. Emotions and feelings are weird things, sometimes we feel things we cannot explain and this can hurts others, but in the same way, these inexplicable feelings can lead to great moments. I suppose some of the best and worst feelings are enigmatic.

Falling in love is wonderful, but falling out of love truly sucks, and with this comes the reality of letting go, regardless of which side you're on. Letting go of anything is tough for everyone but again, something I'm learning to do. I remember when I went back to Barcelona in May last year and I was adamant on visiting the school I worked at, however I realised that as much as I kept revisiting, it wouldn't give me the same joy as when I was working there. People move on, and it is impossible to keep contact with everyone, so I made a decision to let that just become a memory of my time in Barcelona, instead of visiting every time I returned. It's hard to let go, and accept when something isn't making you feel the way it once used to, as much as you fight for that feeling, and hope it will return. Nostalgia can be dangerous. I think it's about accepting and remembering the happiness you had when you were in the moment, when you were actually living it in real time. We need to accept that we have lots of different parts to our lives where certain people and places are more significant than others. Some people are contextual which means that you may not stay in contact with them for your whole life, but that doesn't mean you can't still treasure them for the importance they played in a certain phase of your life.

Something quite difficult for me is when I get lost in my own head, lost among the rapids of my thoughts, getting pushed along with the current as it pulls thought after thought in with it. I'm an over thinker. On Christmas Eve, a good friend said it is okay to have certain thoughts but to let them pass and not give too much attention to them. This really helped me to accept some thoughts rather than dwell on them.  I have mentally struggled a lot this past year, something that I'm not afraid, neither am I ashamed of admitting. I'm so grateful for the increasing awareness of mental illness and in the process this is saving many people from the darkness that can engulf them. This does not mean that those who have conjured up the courage to speak out are seeking attention, it just means they find some relief in speaking freely about it and why shouldn't they? With this freedom you realise you are not alone, many other people also suffer, or have suffered from mental discomfort. 

For me, the 'darkness' comes in waves, and sometimes the current is too strong and I get swept along, but mostly I am able to fight against it and swim myself to safety, saving myself from the drowning sensation of being stuck within reoccurring thoughts. Are you coping? Do you have it under control? These are big questions that need to be asked, especially when finding the line between seeking help or self help. Admittedly I haven't ever been to the doctors about my problems. I need to become a stronger swimmer, I need to be able to swim against the current, conquer the rapids of my thoughts. Swim against the current, don't let yourself get swept along. 

Unfortunately for me, and other people alike, mental illness isn't just for Christmas and it can come back whenever it feels like it. It doesn't mean it needs to get in the way of you living your life. It is about fighting back, sticking two fingers up and remembering that there is always a shimmer of light in the distance. Fight back, find your escapes, find yourself again and find happiness. Everyone deals with it differently. For me, I decided to get back into things that I love, I started picking up my camera again, I've started reading books again (slowly), and even began writing again. Although these are all things I still need to pursue more. I try to focus on the good things in my life, and push away the bad, 24, nearing 25 is a difficult age and brings lots of decisions which I'm insanely bad at, but I reassure myself I have time. 

I also surround myself with people I love, and people that I can be myself around. I've met a lot of people over the years, I've always loved socialising and meeting new people, but as I grow older and look at who is still there is when I see true friends. It doesn't matter who you've loved and lost because the ones that matter the most never leave your side. I feel that I've really enjoyed time with my friends over the past few months, laughed so much my stomach hurt and smiled so much my cheeks hurt, so I owe them a huge thank you.

So, I guess hello again and happy new year! Try not to think if last year was good or bad and don't put any pressure on yourselves for this year. Let it be what it is; take it day by day. If you're suffering from mental illness or being stuck in your head sometimes, know you aren't alone and don't ever be afraid to speak out about it. We all have dark days and never feel you have to pretend you are okay, or put on an act. I am generally pretty happy a lot of the time, but like I said sometimes I'm not a strong enough swimmer.

P.S if all of that was quite hard going, enjoy a couple of pictures of me pulling stupid faces to lighten the mood again.


Take care,


Laura May


Listening to:

Lucy Rose - Is This Called Home
Lucy Rose - Into the Wild
Harrison Storm - Sense of Home
Novo Amor - From Gold
 



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