T'estimo Catalunya i Gràcies

Sometimes I have very brief moments when I forget where I am. You know those moments when you wake up dazed and confused, and it takes some time to adjust and remember exactly what house and room you are in? When a room is dark, every object is unmarked, undefined and when you wake up to this temporarily unidentified room it’s easier to imagine anywhere. I remember this happened a couple of times when I felt homesick but now that homesick feeling feels very distant. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss home, but perhaps I don’t have the time to. It’s easy to forget about things when you’re busy. I think it’s possible to forget that you’re sad when you’re preoccupied, but I find it harder to ignore when I’m happy. Happiness can be a huge distraction, but a good one.

Actually I began to write this blog post a few weeks ago, but since then I have returned home to England to surprise my mum for a very special birthday. The weekend was perfect and it made me realise that home is home, home will always be the place that you grew up in and where you feel the most comfortable. It’s thrown me a bit and I know come the end of July I have big decisions to make, however I don’t want to talk, or even think about it just yet.

I think life is crazy, you never know where you’ll end up. There’s no way that when I was stressing in the library of my university, surrounded by many books hoping to feed me references for my dissertation or other assignments’ bibliography, did I believe just over a few months down the line that I would be living in Barcelona. My decision to apply for the programme I’m on was a sudden one. A few weeks ago I was speaking to my old housemate at university about the moment when I walked into her room over June I believe and said to her that I saw the opportunity and was thinking of applying. I was in a good place at this moment, but I wasn’t as happy as I first thought. I wanted more, I didn’t want to settle down yet, and the thought of real job interviews and things like this scared me. I didn’t feel I had enough to talk about or enough to win employers over; I didn’t have enough confidence.

Do you ever have those moments in life where you want to just do something different? In a way you want to just escape, and cleanse yourself, learn something new and be thrown out of your comfort zone? Moments where you just need to prove to yourself something and gain one huge confidence boost! Maybe some people want to do it, and then they never follow it through – it’s normal. It is a big step, continuing and not giving up is an even bigger one and something I’m very proud of.

I’m not the furthest away from home as possible. I know that I’m not living in America, Japan, China or India, but I am living in another country. The cultures aren’t completely diverse, but they are different. I never expected my time here to be like it is. The truth is I didn’t know what to expect at all. I remember being terrified of living with host families, being an over thinker I thought out many scenarios. It also didn’t help that the programme gave us such a long list of things we should probably talk to our host family about. I thought ‘holy christ, this s*** is real.’ It was funny because I printed it out, and showed it to my first host family on the day I arrived, they laughed and sat it down on the table. It never got looked at again.

There’s something really positive about Barcelona and the people here, even when they are struggling they come across so strong and hold themselves high. They enjoy life even at the worst of times. I will admit that I needed some positive vibes to enter my life, I needed to meet dozens of welcoming strangers, and I needed sun more than the rain. It really does change your mood, it really affects you. I have probably said it before, but I will say it again, I have met some of the sweetest, most kind-hearted people here. One’s that have not only opened up their home to me, but their family and hearts too. One thing I have heard a lot is being in a house that is not technically my own but the something along the lines of the reassuring words ‘make yourself at home, it’s your house’. But sometimes the families have gone to extra lengths, things that they didn’t need to do, but they felt they wanted to. I don’t know, I suppose I don’t need to ramble on for lines and lines, I guess you can understand it a bit better through a little bit of explaining.

Sometimes I think I haven’t met that many Catalan people. I wanted to have a group of friends who were Catalan, but I have met a lot. All the families, friends of the families, teachers at the school and few Catalans my own age are Catalan and this is enough for me. They have taught me things I could never have learnt by simply visiting Barcelona for a few days, even in a week. You can barely scratch the surface of Barcelona, Catalonia or any place in general in that short space of time. They have taught me life as a Catalan person, not a Spanish, nor a tourist. I wanted to change from being here, okay so I haven’t achieved my Spanish beach body that I first hoped, I’m still lazy and pale (there’s still time), but my mind has changed, oh and my hair, not completely but a lot.

I suppose what I’m trying to explain is that I have fallen in love, completely in love with Catalonia and all it’s crazy culture. I have discovered a lot, but still not enough. I want more time to do so, but this is something that is still undecided. It doesn’t help that I’m possibly one of the most indecisive people, but if there’s one thing I have learnt from my life so far, is that as much as I worry, to just stop and realise things always work out. So for now, t'estimo i gràcies (I love you and thank you).

Laura May

Listening to: La Gossa Sorda - Camals Mullats